Quiet Nights
I'm tired. But I don't sleep. At night, after lying in bed, staring into the blackness, I walk to the window, stare out at the earth, glistening in white, as if the earth and the sky have changed places and the stars lay twinkling in the back lawn. It's quiet at night, a quiet I haven't known in a while, and in the silence my mind begins to talk to fill the emptiness and it's chatter keeps me awake.
I've been trying to make a decision for weeks now. I keep weighing the options, crossing my fingers that something will point me in the right direction. I stress over the wrong decision, I waste money on the continual oscillation, I lose sleep over the minute details. And in the end, I've scared myself into immobility; afraid any move is the wrong move.
I know I'm looking at it all wrong. I know there isn't a wrong a decision. I know it's all in my head. But still, I haven't moved.
I have the opportunity to return to Korea for one month. One month to gorge myself on kimchi and galbi. One month to work 6 days a week, to drink soju, to buy discount clothes, to reconnect with the few people still there, to visit my old students, to wander through the subway maze. There is a part of me that is jumping at the chance to return, if for no other reason than to realize I have idealized Korea in my head. But going to Korea comes with a cost. I need the money it will provide in order to pursue the destination I truly want. Spain.
I can go to Spain now with the money I have saved. Start the whole process of forging a life there with Seb earlier than February. But I know in the back of my mind that I don't have nearly enough money to really pull us through any amount of struggle. And if I can't make money quickly then we're back to square one; trying to find a place we can both live and make money. It's a amazing how few places there are for a girl from America and a boy from Germany to find work together.
So, instead of making a decision and sticking to it, I lie awake at night, take deep breaths and let the chatter of my mind rock me back and forth.
I've been trying to make a decision for weeks now. I keep weighing the options, crossing my fingers that something will point me in the right direction. I stress over the wrong decision, I waste money on the continual oscillation, I lose sleep over the minute details. And in the end, I've scared myself into immobility; afraid any move is the wrong move.
I know I'm looking at it all wrong. I know there isn't a wrong a decision. I know it's all in my head. But still, I haven't moved.
I have the opportunity to return to Korea for one month. One month to gorge myself on kimchi and galbi. One month to work 6 days a week, to drink soju, to buy discount clothes, to reconnect with the few people still there, to visit my old students, to wander through the subway maze. There is a part of me that is jumping at the chance to return, if for no other reason than to realize I have idealized Korea in my head. But going to Korea comes with a cost. I need the money it will provide in order to pursue the destination I truly want. Spain.
I can go to Spain now with the money I have saved. Start the whole process of forging a life there with Seb earlier than February. But I know in the back of my mind that I don't have nearly enough money to really pull us through any amount of struggle. And if I can't make money quickly then we're back to square one; trying to find a place we can both live and make money. It's a amazing how few places there are for a girl from America and a boy from Germany to find work together.
So, instead of making a decision and sticking to it, I lie awake at night, take deep breaths and let the chatter of my mind rock me back and forth.
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